Thursday, July 29, 2010

great workout. and then frustration

i had an incredible work out tonight, because i got there quite a bit before sarah and decided to stay for her whole workout too.

98 minutes 7.45 miles and 1100 calories

then i got home and told jason that it was thursday and that gabe is supposed to be staying here tonight (i thought it was wednesday all day today) and we needed sheets on the bed upstairs... and i felt like i was getting no response from him.

i know he is tired by the time i get home, but i would be here sooner if he was here sooner so i could leave sooner! and i had dinner for him, and i only asked him to unload and load the dishwasher... i told him tonight (after he went to bed leaving the tv on, and gabes bed still unmade) that i feel sometimes like i have a bad babysitter rather than a spouse. i dont know how to tell him that in a nicer way and still have him be helpful. if i just do it all for him, he will just let me. it wont change anything. so i am up late, still un-showered, but a second load of dishes are running (he did do one) and another load of laundry is running (the fourth ive done today ugh.) and i have yet to pump. jason fed george a bottle, so i need to pump to compensate, and so i dont explode in the morning.

i have a lot on my plate, and i wonder if maybe making a list of things that need done each evening (ie: put emma to bed, make dinner, do a load of dishes, pick up toys, change and feed george for bed...) and asked jason to choose a few of them to do if that would help out our time crunch. just a though. now i better get to pumping before i fall asleep on the couch.

but the workout was a good one, and im eating a chocolate star wars egg as a reward. :)

called home

jason had to call me home for the first time last night because george was crying and he couldnt console him. but, it didnt bother me! i got in 32.5 minutes 2.55 miles and 333 calories. when i got home george had finally calmed down (jason had turned on mash. :) so i ran around the block, then walked a few minutes to cool down.

jasons done such a good job keeping george, he called me the first or second day i started working out, but since then, hes dealt with his fussiness all on his own and i really appreciate that. its been nice to have an hour or two when im not responsible to anyone else.

things are going well.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

wednesday weight

i was not looking forward to this morning on saturday. on saturday i was up from last weeks weight and feeling a little down. i decided to just push through, and trust that what i was doing was working, and it has paid off again! last wednesday, july 21 i weighed 208 pounds. today, july 28 i weigh 204.6! thats 3.4 pounds lost this week, and a total of 8.8 so far! i am excited, and encouraged, and celebrating with a bagel and fake cream cheese for breakfast. :)

i think one of the reasons i was feeling low this weekend was that i was putting all the pressure on my evening workouts. this week i went back to a few minutes of yoga in the morning (even just ten minutes) and pulling weeds or folding laundry, something else to get me standing and moving during the day. so today since its nice a cool out im going to walk the kids to the park after breakfast. :)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

great workout. 68 minutes 5.29miles 782 calories, and im looking forward to weighing in the morning!

more radical change

so besides the weight, i have also been trying to implement what i learned reading the 5 love languages that heidi let me borrow. jasons are words of affirmation, and acts of service. mine are acts of service, and physical touch (only by 1 point) and the other three were all tied. i think i pretty much need them all, but really appreciate when someone does something for me. anyways, its not about me. i am trying to show my love to people in ways that im not always the best at. because i am a little shy, or timid is probably a better description, its hard for me to give thanks to people when they have done something or said something that made a difference to me.

so today, feeling a little emotional, and just grateful, i sent off a few emails to jasons gram and to my friend rachel. i have really really missed having parents around to keep the kids this time around. i feel much more tied down to the house than i ever did when emma was tiny. but i remember how willing jasons grandma has been to keep her for me, and she even kept both emma and jesse for me. its a relief knowing she will watch them, and that even though shes got things of her own to do, shes always willing and almost always able to help me out. and on sunday, rachel gave me a compliment. with working out and changing my body and my attitude being so high on my list of priorities right now, that compliment meant a lot to me. i raved to jason about it the whole way home in the car. but i dont remember telling her thank you. so i send her a note today too, to let her know that her encouragement really meant a lot to me.

i want people to know that i appreciate them, even though i feel like im not very good at expressing it.

finding time

i squeezed in a short workout last night, after bringing dinner to nate and becky for their new baby break, and then enjoying stephanies baby shower for adorable little karli... i left early enough to get home, drop off george and get to the gym before nine. i managed to survive 40 minutes 3.08 miles and 458 calories. not quite the 500 minimum im shooting for, but i did pull some weeds and do a little yoga earlier, and i ran around the block when i got home.

its been almost two weeks, i know my end goal is totally possible, but im also trying to remind myself that its going to take more than just a couple weeks to see some serious change.

Monday, July 26, 2010

i made it to the gym. i will be successful.

not today

i am having a rough day today. emma was upset last night over a diaper rash that is still there this morning. i didnt sleep well, i dreamed of being hunted. george fussed in the night, so i had to wake up and pacify him several times before i fed him around 630. i am very tired. its dreary outside today. im bringing dinner to nate and becky this evening, and have a baby shower to go to tonight for stephanie and baby karli. emmas whining and asking for help but not telling me what she wants help with. she is full of drama. i spent the weekend washing the stink out of my cloth diapers, and yesterday i ran a fresh load of just the three or four that had been used because they were all poopy. this morning they all stink still. im running them through again. i am tired of stinky diapers. i just want to evaporate. my weight the last several days has been very close to, or up from wednesday. i weigh in two days and i just want to see a difference. i know stress isnt helping.

i want to get away. i want to leave the kiddos with someone and go workout until my legs cant move, and then i want to sink in a puddle and cry for a while. i wish i had someone who was willing and avalible to call on short notice and keep them when i need some space. i need to make that kind of friend here.

i will get it in somehow, even if it means coming home early from the shower and not sleeping as well tonight because i went so late.

i need a break today.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

making up for yesterday

77 minutes 5.74 miles 840 calories

i had a great workout this afternoon, to make up for no workout whatsoever yesterday, and dinner out. (though, i did have a veggie burrito, no sour cream, and i only ate half.) and then i mowed the lawn too. and turned around the cement blocks at the pathway that jasons been talking about switching directions on for ages. i didnt tell him, im just going to wait and see if he notices. and i picked up poo. a lot of poo. so overall i had a great workout today, and im sure i have made up for my lack of workout yesterday.

now im hot, and tired, and sunburned, and could really do with a shower and a nap. but i need to feed emma instead. :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

too tired

65 minutes 5 miles 738 calories

george wouldnt go to sleep until 11. jason got a call from alan at 1045 saying theres a rotten fish smell that he cant trace, so hes been there looking for it for an hour+ and i am going to bed.

too tired to write anything else.

Friday, July 23, 2010

doing the math

3500 calories burned is one pound burned. i calculated my BMR, and got 1700 calories that my body burns in order to function. well, i eat 12-1300 each day, so that leaves only 500 burned. but then im nursing, so i can add in another 500 burned. then add in working out, this week i averaged 500 calories working out (because i took 2 days at only 30 minutes.) that gives me 1500 calories burned every day and 10500 per week, for a 3 pound weight loss each week. so theres the math of my working out.

last night i wanted to get back to my hour at the gym, i left home a little closer to 8, so that helped, and george decided to be good until i was on my way home (thank god.) so i got in a good workout
70 minutes 6.19 miles 721 calories.
thats six 11 minute 18 second miles. i am pretty proud of that. i wish i could do it just running, but for some reason i am quicker on the elliptical than just on my feet.

its friday, jasons going for a run after he gets home from work tonight, and then i can go to the gym. i think i want to push for an even longer work out tonight, maybe 90 minutes. i know what it takes to loose the weight, and i have some really high hopes of having a good weight loss before i see dr anstine for my mirena check august 18. (yes, i am looking forward to going to the doctor and being weighed.) its good motivation, and a short term goal.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

tired and more tired

im starting to want a break. working out daily had made me so much sleepier at night, but george isnt going to bed any earlier. and the last two nights my shower has been after he goes to sleep rather than before. i actually went back to sleep for 45 minutes this morning after i fed george and got up with my 830 alarm. and i missed my hours of quiet in the morning.

last night i met heidi and katie for coffee, then drove home with george fusing the whole way because he was hungry. i put emma straight to bed and fed george then had dinner, at 8pm. thats too too late to eat dinner and get in a decent workout. and its the second day ive had a late meal and tried to squeeze in at least half hour at the gym before they close at ten. but i went, and got in my 30 minutes before some late night grocery shopping.

1.75 mile walk to the park and back (about 15 minutes each way)
30 minutes 2.31 miles 338 calories at the gym.

this morning im really thinking of taking today off. maybe mowing the lawn instead? or maybe i should do some yoga while the kids nap this afternoon and then ill feel more willing to go. or maybe ill take a nap while they nap and then ill feel more willing to go.

jasons working later this week (thats why dinner was so late last night) and he needs to be home so i can leave the kids with him to go. maybe we will just have to work around that for a couple of days and then things can get back on track. i think that nap sounds like a good idea.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

day 7 and wednesday weight

i had my 6 week check with dr anstine yesterday (at closer to 7 weeks) and everything looks good. and we had our birth control chat, but this time i had already decided what i wanted to do. i have enjoyed using the pill before, but because i dont want the responsibility of taking a pill every day for the next two to four years (untill jason finishes school) the reliability of the mirena really appeals to me. after we talked about it for a couple minutes, she said she could put it in right then if id like, so we did! i now have an iud. :) but, the cramping afterward put me into a really cranky mood. (that, and itunes not working properly) so i was talking myself out of going to work out. but at 845 i finally decided to just go, and hope i would feel better. and i did! i rewarded my hard work and consistency this week with a short workout, only 30 minutes and it lifted my mood immensely.

30 minutes 2.28 miles 340 calories

and it is wednesday! am i excited? why yes, yes i am. :) i didnt record last wednesdays weight, but i know what it was, so ill just tell you. my scale does tenths of a pound (kind of, it only does even numbers after the decimal, so its really fifths) so thats what im keeping track in. last wednesday july 14 i weighted 213.4 pounds. and today, july 21, i weigh 208! seven days of determination and i am down 5.4 pounds. i am SO excited. when i think of pounds lost, i always think of the size and feel of a box of nucoa. i remember when i was little i learned that those boxes were 1 pound. thats 5 boxes of nucoa thats no longer on my body. oh man. and, even better, i am 5 pounds closer to my goal. only 60 more.

i can do this!

and i leave you with a song. this is PFR or Pray For Rain, a very old christian rock band that i just love. and with the ipod jenn sent me now tucked into my work out purse i got to listen to them at the gym last night. this song makes me think of how i felt when jason wanted to marry me. he loved me so much that he wanted everyone to know it, he wanted to give me his name. well, God loves me too, and i can choose to wear his name too. (but wearing someones name also makes me a representative of them to others. people know i am jasons wife, or andies daughter in law, or katies sister because of my new name. my actions can reflect positively or negatively on them too. same goes for wearing Christ's name.) anyway, its one of my favorites. :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

its working!

my workout last night was rough. as soon as i got to the top of the stairs, i was stiff and tired. but my new favorite elliptical was open (they all were) and i decided to try out some of jenns interval training. during adds i upped either the ramp or resistance or both and pushed hard till the show was back on, and for several of the comedy sets i did the same thing, then returned to a lower setting but kept stepping quickly. i think the changes helped me to push for the whole hour even though i wasnt feeling it. (how often and i really going to be "feeling it" anyways, you know?)
61 minutes, 4.45 miles, 680 calories

i check my weight each day in the morning and sometimes in the evening, but i dont record it. i dont even use the memory setting my the scale. im saving that for wednesday mornings. but when i stepped on this morning i saw a sweet little surprise that i am looking forward to recording tomorrow. ive been feeling wishy-washy about doing a hard workout, or just a walk this evening because i have my appointment with anstine late this afternoon... but that little number was the encouragement i needed to go to the gym today. its working. i saw today, day 7, that its working. :)

and because its related, i should mention i had my very first (that i can remember) fat dream last night. people didnt like me. didnt want to sit nex to me in a crowded car. i was constantly eating something. none of that is me, none of it is reality. i wonder if my subconscious is trying to distance me from thinking i am fat. i dont like the word fat, i prefer overweight. i think fat is a mindset, and overweight is something that can be changed. i think the new me is going to have to fight the person ive let myself settle into and convince her that we really do need to change. if i were a person who put a lot of stock into dreams, thats what i would say anyway. :)

today is another day, and im looking forward to it.

my choice to remember today, is to be a blessing to those around me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

day 6

i walked to the park and back with emma and george today. emma played on the swings and the slide and crawled through the caterpillar tube a few times. i jogged just a little on the way home, it was really nice. so i can add a 1.75 mile walk to my accomplishments today. :)

on my way home from working out last night, after jason called because he couldnt get george to quit fussing, this is the song that came on. i love those four minutes driving home and so far, there has been just what i needed to hear before i get home. i think maybe God is helping me build a play list. :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

day 5

jason kept the kiddos while they were both awake this afternoon. :) i had an hour and a half at the gym alone and it was glorious. though, i wasnt real thrilled about working out. the novelty is wearing off. im reminding myself a few things though, and as long as i keep reminding myself these things, i think i will make it.

life is a choice. more specifically, my choice. and i can change that choice whenever i want. today i chose to go workout, and on the way home, i chose to sing loud with the windows down and smile. both choices felt great. :)

i am created in the image of God. i want to be the best representation of him that i can, and with that as my goal i have a constant incentive to continue towards my goal.

im not who i was. (cue song)

and there is NOTHING wrong with that. i miss her, but i can be a BETTER version of her. im going make one change starting now, smiling more. people used to tell me that i was always smiling, and they loved that.

so im home from a great workout, emma ran to the door and hugged me, george wants me (because hes hungry, but ill over look that), and jason told me i am cute before i could even say hello. so im smiling. and sweaty.

60 minutes 4.5 miles 667 calories on the elliptical and 18 minutes 1 mile 87 calories on the treadmill

Saturday, July 17, 2010

yesterday: 65 minutes, 4.85 miles, 725 calories, and it felt great.
today: jason and i are taking a walk to walmart and back for groceries after emmas nap (when its not 100 degrees outside) so thats two miles walking today.

Friday, July 16, 2010

they say

"they" (the little voices out there who know everything, like the wizard of oz who has the brain of google) say its good to have a picture to motivate you. first, i will be honest that i have a long way to go. this is the most recent photo of me. it was taken when george was 3 days old, so i have already lost 22 pounds that im not including in my goal. most of that was just baby, blood, and extra water.

and here are a few pictures of the girl i miss. she was SO happy. and i want to be her again. well, her but 6ish years older, happily married and taking care of her two great kids.

day 3

wednesday i did get to the gym, around 8pm. my second favorite elliptical was open and i had a great work out. i was 6 weeks (minus a day) postpartum and it felt so good to be working out under air conditioning again. ahhh. i felt good about my 42 minutes, 3.2 miles, and 475 calories, but then remembered its wasnt the first time ive done anything physical since george was born. i have been mowing the lawn and pulling weeds, and taking the occasional slow walk with emma. so i should have expected to do well! :)

yesterday i went shopping for essentials that i havent purchased in years, some comfy new (smaller) undies, a couple pairs of new socks, and 2 new bras. my favorite and most comfortable bras i found at target when i was 6 weeks pregnant with emma and suddenly became a D cup, but then they disappeared! and since then the under-wire in one is broken and the other is getting a little stretched from so much wear. i have bought others, but i just dont love them as much. so i got two new ones in burgundy and dark heather gray and i love them! and also a new pair of shoes. they are off white flats and just adorable.

in exchange for the purchase of new things, i decided i MUST go through my dresser drawer and my closet and GET RID OF THINGS. i have a bag that i have tossed a few things into, and a bin of "to small but im not ready to part with" clothes and i decided it was just time to do it. i kept my size 14/12/10 bottoms, so i will have steps down as i need them, but shirts and dresses that are too small are all gone. i will never be smaller than a D cup again, i have come to terms with that, so my favorite long sleeve button downs, and my hand made sundresses are all going to donation. i also pulled out all of my maternity jeans and tops and i have a big overflowing garbage bag full of those.

today im going to finish sorting through it all so that tomorrow i can take them away. today i have to go through shoes too. ugh. but i KNOW i will feel better knowing just what clothes i have, and knowing what clothes i get to wear when i get down a size. i had shirts that i remember getting ten years ago still in that bin. i dont need them!

anyway, after some sorting and emmas nap, we took a walk to jesse and sarahs to drop off a couple pairs of shoes that i got for jesse jay for his birthday. its a nice walk, just over a mile each way, but i wore the wrong shoes and now have blisters on the balls of my feet.

today is day 3, and i am cleaning and organizing, and taking out trash, and then i will go workout again. im tired, but i feel good. i am down two pounds since wednesday. i was 213 on wednesday and thats the day i plan to record my weight each week, but it was nice to see a change when i stepped up this morning. my goal is to loose 65. i can do it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

i love my babies, but...

i dont want them to be my workout buddies. there are tons of ten minute workouts, and do it with your baby workouts, and "roll your way to a thinner you" stroller workouts, but thats not what im looking for. i want my workout to be my time to relax, alone.

alone. and yes, a gym full of people counts as alone.

things i want

i want a new life.
i want a place to vent and cry and get on to myself.
i want to make a change.

i want a second try.

i dont have the support i would like to make healthy changes in my life, so i am going to support myself here. i will find time to work out each day. i have to. i will let myself cry out these leftover pregnancy hormones and not be upset with myself for being human. i want to be happy, and healthy, and to enjoy the limited time i have with my family.

i miss having immediate family around right now. i wish one of our moms were here so they could keep the kids for me and i could have a little time for myself. it was easier to leave emma, but now i need someone to keep both of them for me. jason is going to have to step up to that plate even when george is fussy at night. i compromise, and i need him to do the same thing. it is what is better for both of us.

so today is the first day of my second try. i deserve a second try.