Wednesday, October 27, 2010

crying babies and getting (rid of) a grip

the last few times jesses been here at nap time, there has been some serious crying. yesterday was better, and today was much much worse. i get so stressed out after listening to crying for so long, especially when theres nothing i can do. today he climbed out of the play pen and i had to wrap him up and hold him and shush him to sleep. i havent had to go to that extent in almost a year. so, my anxiety is a little high. (hes only been asleep for about half an hour, im sure ill feel a little better after some more time passes.)

and my body is holding on to this 8 with a life and death grip. this morning i weigh 180 pounds. that 2 pounds this week, which is super considering the 0.2 pounds i lost last week, and the week before was not much either. but, next week! i am SO THERE next week. and by there, i mean UNDER that 8.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

on the letter

i expected the box to arrive on tuesday. i didnt take into consideration that i had mailed it early on saturday. it got there monday.

my dad waited until my mom got home monday night to open the package. he wanted her to open it. she told him that it was for him, she assumed it was a birthday present and that she didnt know anything about it.

he was very drunk.

he opened the box, read the letter, and that was it.

mom told me all of this when she called this afternoon. she casually dropped into the conversation that the box i sent dad had arrived. she also told me that she felt guilty, because she had read the letter. (well, it wasnt her letter to read.)

this morning the bible was gone. mom thinks he may have read the letter again, but doesnt know what he did with the bible. maybe hes reading it? maybe its out of sight out of mind? i dont know.

and honestly, im not sure i care. i mean, i know i was supposed to write the letter. i know i was supposed to buy that particular bible to send with it. i know i was supposed to mail it by the end of the week, and i did all of that. but i dont feel any conviction to do anything more. i did what i was meant to do, and i guess thats it. its a weird place im in huh?

Friday, October 22, 2010

my pants are too big

these are my size 12 LEIs that are my favorite pair right now. (next to my paint stained levis that is.) and this is only the second wear so its not just that they are stretched out, but they sag on my butt. they gape at the waist when i tug them back up on my hips and my thighs have at least two extra inches of wiggle room in the legs.

i still weigh 182 pounds, but i am beginning to think i might fit those red dickies when my mom comes for thanksgiving. maybe i should ask her to mail them sooner?

Thursday, October 21, 2010


i finished the letter, and i bought my dad a bible today. ive written in it, and marked 1 Corinthians with a photo of emma and i. its the life recovery bible. i asked pastor jim this afternoon what he would recommend, and this was one of them. so i took a deep breath, and followed the nudging of the holy spirit and went out and bought the bible.

please be praying. im going to send out a couple letters to a few people at home asking them to pray as well. i believe God works powerfully through prayer.

Ephesians 3:16-21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

good news

i need to take in my favorite shirt. i just sewed it this summer. :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

not my best week 14

182 this morning. thats 0.2 pounds this week. i knew last night it hadnt been a stellar week, so i am grateful that i had a loss and not a gain. and this week i will do better. (step one of doing better, buy coffee. im out and its killing me. step 2? eat breakfast! i have been putting it off to get the kids together, and then not getting around to it. i need to eat breakfast.)

today and tomorrow i have a house full of kiddos, so i will have to be extra careful about making time for coffee, devotions, breakfast, and taking a break during nap time.

and, i need to get to work on that letter for my dad. its started, but thats all.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

snacky sweet

it was quite possibly not my best decision to have a snacky sweet evening the night before i weigh. but, true to my new habits, when i want to eat something, i eat it. i just make the best choice possible about it.

so tonight i had broccoli and cheese soup with baked cheese crackers for dinner. (and a few cookies here and there, but ill tell you about those later.) then some popcorn while watching biggest looser, and for dessert, hot chocolate ice cream. mmm. :) so we will see what i weigh in the morning, but even if i (for the first time in 14 weeks) gain weight, my world will not fall apart.

now about those cookies. i made gingersnaps. but i fudged them. i substituted 3/4 of the sugar with splenda, and added milled flax. i should have substituted some of the four with the flax instead of just adding it (there was too much flour that way i think) but they turned out really good. and, they have way less calories and lots more nutritional value than the originals. yum.

one more change this week. on sunday at church i began to feel very convicted about what we are studying in sunday school. we are talking about witnessing, and using the opportunities that God gives us. i started feeling like i dont have the same chances others do to run into people and share. well, on sunday i was hit like a brick with the fact that i havent shared how my faith has saved me, with my dad. so i am writing him a letter. i will mail it by the end of the week. i dont know what ill say, or how it will be received, but thats not really up to me. so im trusting God, following his urging, and writing a letter.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

if / then statements

185.4 last wednesday
182.2 today! thats 3.2 pounds lost this week.

and, with only 2.2 pounds before i hit the 170's, im pretty sure thats going to happen next week. what progress!

this afternoon i bought myself a dress, its soft corderoy and a pretty blue. though, i think i may go back and get the green one tomorrow. i just really like it, and i really like that my leftover pooch is hidden pretty well. i checked the seams, and i can also take it in pretty easily when i need to. (i think some princess seams would be cute too... but, a bit more difficult.)

(please imagine my hair washed and down, and while were at it, lets pretend emmas not at my feet having a fit, and george isnt laying on the floor crying, and im wearing mascara on my eyelashes and not under my eyes.)

and, what youve all been waiting to hear about (not really, because ive spewed it all over already) the home inspection went great. caroline and sarah were both very nice and relaxed. caroline sat down on my floor and cooed at george while she talked to me, and sarah took notes when i answered questions. from here, caroline will call my references (say good things about me!) and then write her report and include her (positive) recommendation for the state of oregon. once oregon gets it, they make their decision and if it all happens before the next court date- december could be a life changing month.

while i did last minute things this morning (which made no difference at all) i also did my bible study and held onto several new truths.
i will take the courage that God is offering me.
i will not be afraid.
philipians 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
if he doesnt get placed with me, then what? then God will take care of me. then God has a plan. then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me. then Gods going to demonstrate his sufficiency to me.

what a work he is doing in my life. and what peace and calm i felt while they were here today.

Monday, October 11, 2010


i feel like a total slacker. i have no energy, no motivation. jasons mom has been in town this weekend, we had a great time. at the same time, i had to get the house and bedroom ready for inspection wednesday at 11. so ive been grumping myself into getting it done, because SOMEONE needs to make this little boy a priority in their life, and i have decided to be that person. even when i dont feel like it.

i have no idea what the scale will say wednesday, but im not concerned. what i really want to know is what caroline and sarah will say on wednesday.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

depends on how you look at it

185.4 pounds this morning. :) (thats 2 for this week by the way)

size 12 jeans.

i went shopping in my closet and put on every one of my six pairs of size 12 jeans for the first time in years. i settled on my favorite, levies 505 medium length, covered in orange, red, and brown paint and a bleach spot on the bottom of the right leg. last time i wore these jeans, we were painting moxie.

since july 14, i have lost 28 pounds.
since june 3, i have lost 50 pounds.

did you hear that? in 4 months, i had a baby and then lost 50 pounds. i feel like a super hero.

a super hero who as of this morning has some serious organizing to do in a certain down stairs bedroom, where a certain small child might soon be living. organizing and tidying and cozying for inspecting eyes next wednesday. you get where im going with this, right? they are coming next wednesday at 11. but its okay, because im a super hero. i can do it. (do i have another choice? not really. not if i want that kiddo here. and boy oh boy do i.)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

lack of sleep walking

jason and i walked this evening to the park and back. emma was not so interested in playing, and we were tired from being up all night with george (130, 330, 430, 630, so we just stayed a few minutes and came home. but still, 1.75 mile walk is something. :)

so what am i doing instead of going to bed early tonight? im dying my hair. because sometimes the calm quiet awake time spent doing something for myself is more important than sleep. at least thats what im going to tell myself.