Saturday, January 15, 2011

self image

i noticed six months ago that the image i had of myself in my head was not accurate. actually, i could not have picked myself out of a crowd. i wanted to be this girl again.

this morning i told jason i needed a break. he starts school on tuesday and has had a couple long nights at work this week. i know that starting tuesday, our time will be stretched thin again and my time off will disappear almost completely. so i am at the flying m. (three times this week, a little excessive, i know, but its felt great.)

while walking from my car into the m i felt like myself. and the image i have of myself feels accurate. i carried my red shoulder bag from guatemala with jane eyre, my compy from jenn, my new real simple, and my wallet inside. im wearing my black boots i bought with katie in california, my first pair of size 8 jeans (that i shopped for with jenn, via text and photo emails), an old navy tee i bought with heidi when i was pregnant with emma, my black sweater that i treated myself to, and the scarf i bought in elko when heidi and i stayed with cassie for a weekend a couple years ago. i am clothed in memories of who i am. i am alone at coffee and feel completely surrounded by people who i care about.

im not even sure this will make sense to any of you (except maybe jenn, who knows the me that was gone for a while) but i feel like im back. and it feels great.


  1. Totally get it. I am about 10 lbs thinner in my mind's eye. And I hate when I see a picture of myself and I go, ew, that's not me. It is so so awesome how happy you are & how far you've come--total inspiration xx

  2. :)
    I love being a part of some of those memories of who you are.

  3. i am re-reading motivation posts (because i need some) and just got to this one. every time i read this i cry.

    bad days now are no where near as hard as my every day before i started bible study at church and devotions at home, a diet change and exercise. i feel like i dug my way out from under failed expectations and lived up to more than i thought possible.

    and this was 6 months ago! i CAN make a change. its hard at first, but i just need to remember that one change makes such a difference as time passes.

  4. Oh boy. This still get me.

    After having Lola, and then Calvin and then moving... it’s been quite the few years. And we’re doing this again.

    But this feeling, and they way I put words to it here is still just as true and I can still picture myself that day.