yesterday: 65 minutes, 4.85 miles, 725 calories, and it felt great.
today: jason and i are taking a walk to walmart and back for groceries after emmas nap (when its not 100 degrees outside) so thats two miles walking today.

they say

"they" (the little voices out there who know everything, like the wizard of oz who has the brain of google) say its good to have a picture to motivate you. first, i will be honest that i have a long way to go. this is the most recent photo of me. it was taken when george was 3 days old, so i have already lost 22 pounds that im not including in my goal. most of that was just baby, blood, and extra water.



and here are a few pictures of the girl i miss. she was SO happy. and i want to be her again. well, her but 6ish years older, happily married and taking care of her two great kids.

day 3

wednesday i did get to the gym, around 8pm. my second favorite elliptical was open and i had a great work out. i was 6 weeks (minus a day) postpartum and it felt so good to be working out under air conditioning again. ahhh. i felt good about my 42 minutes, 3.2 miles, and 475 calories, but then remembered its wasnt the first time ive done anything physical since george was born. i have been mowing the lawn and pulling weeds, and taking the occasional slow walk with emma. so i should have expected to do well! :)

yesterday i went shopping for essentials that i havent purchased in years, some comfy new (smaller) undies, a couple pairs of new socks, and 2 new bras. my favorite and most comfortable bras i found at target when i was 6 weeks pregnant with emma and suddenly became a D cup, but then they disappeared! and since then the under-wire in one is broken and the other is getting a little stretched from so much wear. i have bought others, but i just dont love them as much. so i got two new ones in burgundy and dark heather gray and i love them! and also a new pair of shoes. they are off white flats and just adorable.

in exchange for the purchase of new things, i decided i MUST go through my dresser drawer and my closet and GET RID OF THINGS. i have a bag that i have tossed a few things into, and a bin of "to small but im not ready to part with" clothes and i decided it was just time to do it. i kept my size 14/12/10 bottoms, so i will have steps down as i need them, but shirts and dresses that are too small are all gone. i will never be smaller than a D cup again, i have come to terms with that, so my favorite long sleeve button downs, and my hand made sundresses are all going to donation. i also pulled out all of my maternity jeans and tops and i have a big overflowing garbage bag full of those.

today im going to finish sorting through it all so that tomorrow i can take them away. today i have to go through shoes too. ugh. but i KNOW i will feel better knowing just what clothes i have, and knowing what clothes i get to wear when i get down a size. i had shirts that i remember getting ten years ago still in that bin. i dont need them!

anyway, after some sorting and emmas nap, we took a walk to jesse and sarahs to drop off a couple pairs of shoes that i got for jesse jay for his birthday. its a nice walk, just over a mile each way, but i wore the wrong shoes and now have blisters on the balls of my feet.

today is day 3, and i am cleaning and organizing, and taking out trash, and then i will go workout again. im tired, but i feel good. i am down two pounds since wednesday. i was 213 on wednesday and thats the day i plan to record my weight each week, but it was nice to see a change when i stepped up this morning. my goal is to loose 65. i can do it.

i love my babies, but...

i dont want them to be my workout buddies. there are tons of ten minute workouts, and do it with your baby workouts, and "roll your way to a thinner you" stroller workouts, but thats not what im looking for. i want my workout to be my time to relax, alone.

alone. and yes, a gym full of people counts as alone.

things i want

i want a new life.
i want a place to vent and cry and get on to myself.
i want to make a change.

i want a second try.

i dont have the support i would like to make healthy changes in my life, so i am going to support myself here. i will find time to work out each day. i have to. i will let myself cry out these leftover pregnancy hormones and not be upset with myself for being human. i want to be happy, and healthy, and to enjoy the limited time i have with my family.

i miss having immediate family around right now. i wish one of our moms were here so they could keep the kids for me and i could have a little time for myself. it was easier to leave emma, but now i need someone to keep both of them for me. jason is going to have to step up to that plate even when george is fussy at night. i compromise, and i need him to do the same thing. it is what is better for both of us.

so today is the first day of my second try. i deserve a second try.